From People Pleasing to Personhood: One Therapist’s Journey

I was watching my father in law place a ladder inside the shed we had built together. He started hanging it on one of the studs and I had the thought, “I want it to line up with the stud” as he was hanging it. I felt a tenseness in stomach and an urge to be able to say “I want it a little bit to the right”…but I simply could not get myself to say it. “Why is it so hard to say that?” I thought to myself. It was like a logical part of me knew he would happily move it but my body said, “No, that’s too much, don’t say it”.

This moment captures my experience of people pleasing. I had a preference, but I feared being “too needy” to let myself voice that preference to my father in law (who actually would have happily moved the ladder over to where I wanted it).  I have come to think of people pleasing as an emotional strategy or solution. A solution to what, you may ask? A solution to a lack of an emotionally attuned other that welcomed my own unique experience and need. In this absence, I found that tuning into the needs and feelings of others, while disregarding my own experience, was a way for me to belong and feel some sort of connection in the lack of this emotional presence. But it cost me. It cost me a sense of feeling real, a sense of locating myself in my own mind and body, and a sense of being able to feel truly seen and known in relationship.

This developmental trauma is difficult as it doesn’t show up as bruises or necessarily distinct memories of acute abuse, but the pain resides in the lack of having a voice, lack of feeling genuine, and a deep and sometimes overwhelming craving to be able to be honest and feel seen and loved. I’d love to offer a few things that I am practicing on my own journey to personhood:

Find people you can be real and honest with.

In a culture that values “staying positive”, independence, and “bullet proofness”, it can be very challenging to find people in whom you can be truly honest with. But I simply don’t think there is another way to heal people pleasing outside of being connected to another human being and being able to share exactly what you are thinking and feeling, including feelings of disappointment, anger, and hurt (especially with the person listening). These can be challenging feelings for most people to tolerate being shared with, which is why it may be helpful to consider relating with a therapist who is trained to be accessible to these parts of you and willing to bring their own humanness to you as well.

Play

Playing is a wonderful way of feeling alive and awake. For me it has always been sports and board games but the question I have been asking myself for play is “What makes me come alive?” and then find ways to slowly incorporate that into my life.

Spontaneous Discovery

I have been enjoying drinking whiskey with my buddies lately. It has felt healing for me to not have to “get it right” with what notes to taste or not but to simply be with and notice whatever comes up for me. I’ve practiced this while listening to music or art as well. Simply discover what comes up in your inner world and try to suspend what “should be” or what is “right” for you to experience while engaging in this discovery. Another word for this is mindfulness.

Finding my own personhood has certainly been a journey and felt quite clunky at times as I practice showing up authentically with myself and with others. But I can say that the aliveness, genuineness, and intimacy it is creating within myself and my relationships has felt compelling to continue. I hope this aides you in your own process of you enjoying being you!