Why Do I Feel So Anxious?

As a therapist, one of the most common questions people ask me is “Why do I feel so anxious?”

I wish there was a simple answer.

As common as it is, anxiety is a complex symptom that can have lots of different causes. One helpful parallel to think about is nausea. We all have experienced an upset stomach at some point, but the reason behind it differed. Eating a bad burrito from Chipotle, contracting a stomach bug, or worrying about an upcoming meeting are all reasons people feel their stomach churn.

Like nausea, the reasons why people feel anxious can vary. However, I’ve noticed that there are common beliefs people who struggle with worry have that may, in part, help explain their anxiety. Here are three reasons why you might be feeling so anxious.

You believe worrying gives you control

Perhaps the most common belief people who struggle with anxiety have is that worrying gives them control. The thought process is a never-ending cycle that goes something like this:

If I worry, I will have control over this situation —> If I can control this situation, I can prevent the worst from happening —> If I stop worrying, the worst will happen —> Therefore, I must worry.

Of course, most people acknowledge that worrying doesn’t actually give them control, but deep down, letting go of this perceived control feels like a terrifying freefall.

Not sure if this applies to you? Let’s go through an exercise. Bring a situation you feel anxious about to mind. Now, imagine what it would feel like to truly stop worrying about this situation, to let go of control, and to let whatever will happen, happen.

How does it feel to imagine letting go of control? If it’s uncomfortable, there’s a good chance your worry stems from this type of anxiety.

So, what’s the antidote to this worry? As counterintuitive as it may sound, true freedom comes when you accept that the control you have over any situation is actually very small. Doing so allows you to stop worrying about the “what ifs” and instead focus on the blessings right in front of you.

You believe you couldn’t handle the worst-case scenario

Perhaps you’re someone who accepts that worrying won’t prevent the worst from happening; instead, you may believe that you couldn’t handle the worst if it did happen.

Let me give you an example. Imagine you just received news that one of your parents is sick. As your anxiety kicks in, you start to worry that they might pass away from their illness. Instead of believing that your anxiety will give you control over their illness, you worry that if they were to die, you couldn’t handle the resulting emotions. You’re convinced that the pain of their death would destroy you, so you feel anxious as you anticipate this pain.

It makes sense to be averse to pain, and anxiety can help us avoid unnecessary distress. However, research suggests that worrying about pain actually makes it worse.

Some of the best breakthroughs I have with clients come when they realize they are more resilient than they originally thought. People encounter unimaginable heartbreak all the time, and it constantly amazes me that so many of them can bounce back and grow stronger because of it.

If you’re experiencing this type of anxiety, remember – you can handle much more than you believe you can. Yes, the pain you may encounter is uncomfortable, but it’s not going to break you. In fact, it just might make you stronger. You don’t need to worry about the worst-case scenario – you’ll find a way to get through it.

You’re trying to earn your value

In a recent interview, Les Greenberg, one of the founders of emotion-focused therapy, suggested that shame is often an emotion underlying anxiety. Like Greenberg, I can attest that people who struggle with anxiety often have a low view of themselves and that their anxiety is an effort to try to “earn” their value.

To help explain this idea, let’s imagine a fictional client named Gus. Gus is a high school basketball star who has broken all sorts of records. Despite his success, he feels incredibly anxious before practice and games, something that often affects his performance.

For Gus, the key to treating his anxiety may be fighting the belief that his success on the court determines his worth. People with this type of anxiety often feel like their value corresponds to their performance in a certain area. Whether it’s in academics, sports, a career, or relationships, failure makes them feel like they’re less than human.

It would make sense to feel anxious if performance determined your worth. We’re all going to mess up at some point, so it would only be a matter of time before your value started decreasing.

If you feel anxious because you’re trying to earn your value, remember this – your worth is something that does not waver based on your performance. You are just as valuable after your very best performance as you are after your very worst performance.

Take the next step

Did any of these beliefs resonate with you? If so, I encourage you to start working on correcting your thinking – doing so is a great first step toward managing your anxiety. Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list of why people feel anxious. Whether one of these beliefs resonated with you or not, I’d love to help you find the source of your anxiety and start gaining victory over it together. You can check out my website to learn more about therapy for anxiety.