Male Sexual Abuse and Assault
Imagine you’re a scientist tasked with studying a people group deep in the heart of a foreign jungle. When you arrive, you notice something strange. Everywhere you look, men of all shapes, sizes, ages, and races are missing a limb.
Some are missing an arm, others a leg, and some a few fingers or toes. Many of the injured men seem to be getting along fine, while others are completely incapacitated by their injuries.
After some investigating, you learn that a nearby river is infested with crocodiles responsible for harming these men. Every day, more and more keep getting injured.
When you ask the villagers about the crocodiles, you’re met with a variety of responses. Some claim that these injured men wanted to lose a limb, while others state they should have been strong enough to defend themselves. Others shrug their shoulders and ask, “What crocodiles?” A few villagers even claim there are no crocodiles and that the men of their village are just fine.
Seems crazy, doesn’t it?
Just like the men in this fictional village, men across the globe are impacted by sexual abuse and assault every day. Some deny that it’s an issue and others choose to ignore it – many people are unaware that it’s a problem at all. Even though it’s not a topic that receives much attention, it’s harming men all around us, making it crucial to shed light on this issue.
What is male sexual abuse and assault?
To start, let’s get a clear definition of what constitutes sexual abuse and assault. The World Health Organization (WHO) defines sexual abuse as “actual or threatened physical intrusion of a sexual nature, whether by force or under unequal or coercive conditions.” Similarly, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) defines sexual assault as “sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim.”
As you can see, there’s a lot of overlap between sexual abuse and assault. Some experts conceptualize abuse as repeated violence, while classifying assault as a one-time occurrence. Whether it’s repeated or one time, it counts as sexual violence.
It’s important to remember that sexual violence doesn’t have to be physical. Exposing children to pornography, discussing sexual topics with minors, and grooming are other types of abuse.
As a side note, I use the terms “abuse,” “assault,” and “violence” interchangeably in this article for the sake of readability.
What percent of sexual abuse victims are male?
It’s true that women are victims of sexual violence more frequently than men, and you may have heard the statistic that one in six men are survivors of sexual violence. However, research suggests that male sexual abuse is more common than most people would expect. Current estimates suggest that around a quarter of U.S. men have experienced sexual violence at some point in their lives.
Let that sink in for a moment. Around one out of every four men you know are survivors of sexual violence.
Most male sexual victimization happens to minors, but it can happen to adult men as well. Research shows that between 5 – 10% of sexual assaults that occur in Western countries each year happen to fully grown men.
It’s important to remember that estimates about the frequency of male sexual violence are likely lower than the actual rates of violence. This is because men frequently don’t report their abuse or mistake sexual violence for a consensual sex act. It’s also very common for men to wait to share about their abuse – one study suggested that it takes most male survivors over 15 years to tell anyone about their abuse.
Why are male survivors hesitant to talk about their abuse? Men who have been sexually abused face unique challenges when it comes to disclosing. One barrier is the myths that exist about male sexual abuse.
Myths about male sexual abuse
These myths about male sexual violence are prevalent in our society and make it difficult for male survivors to be open about their abuse. Knowing about these myths and having accurate responses can encourage male survivors to be open about their assault and get the help they may need.
Myth #1: Men who were sexually abused wanted to have sex
A common stereotype about men is that they are always seeking sex. This narrative encourages the myth that men who were sexually abused wanted the abuse to happen and that they secretly enjoyed it. In reality, it’s possible (and normal) for men to decline sexual encounters.
Another factor that perpetuates this myth is the physiological responses many male survivors experience during their abuse. It’s very common for men to get an erection, ejaculate, and orgasm while they’re being abused. These reactions can be confusing, as they are normally associated with sexual pleasure. The truth is that these are normal bodily responses that are outside the survivor’s control - they in no way indicate that the survivor was complicit in his abuse.
Let me use an example to help illustrate this point. What happens when you eat something really spicy? Most people will start to salivate, sweat, and turn red in the face. These are all physiological responses that are outside someone’s control – you couldn’t stop these responses no matter how hard you tried. Likewise, getting an erection and ejaculating as a result of abuse are outside a man’s control. They’re simply his body responding to an external stimulus, just like eating something spicy.
Myth #2: Men who were sexually abused should have been strong enough to stop it
Men are supposed to be invincible, right? Unfortunately, this idea often makes many men feel like they should have been strong enough to stop their abuse. There are several reasons why this myth is untrue.
First, many men are sexually abused as children. No child is strong enough to stop an adult from harming them, even if they’re male.
Additionally, it’s not uncommon for men to be sexually abused while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. In one study, 30% of male rape survivors reported that their abuse occurred while they were using substances, making it difficult for them to stop the abuse.
Furthermore, some male survivors are coerced into having sex with their perpetrator. For example, some men “willingly” participate in sex acts under threats of violence or blackmail. Some male survivors even report that their perpetrator threatened to attempt suicide if they didn’t “willingly” participate. Even though these men weren’t physically forced into having sex, they were coerced, making this sexual violence.
Myth #3: Men who were sexually abused aren’t affected by their abuse
Another myth about male sexual abuse is that male survivors aren’t affected by their abuse. In reality, sexual abuse is a traumatic experience for male survivors, just like it is for female survivors. Research shows that men often experience negative reactions to their abuse, including symptoms of posttraumatic stress. Some common symptoms of male sexual abuse are:
Flashbacks and nightmares
Feeling shame or like “less of a man”
Feeling responsible for the abuse
Anger and irritability
Excessive drinking or substance abuse
Ignoring or denying the abuse
Forgetting portions of the abuse
These are just some of the symptoms men can experience following their abuse. These symptoms can begin immediately after the abuse, or they may start years in the future – both are normal responses to trauma.
Myth #4: Men who were sexually abused go on to abuse others
For many male survivors, this myth is one of their deepest fears. The truth is that most male survivors of sexual abuse don’t go on to abuse others.
I’ve worked with many male survivors who use their abuse as motivation to be great husbands, fathers, and friends. For most male survivors, abuse is not a motivator for hurting people, but is a driving force in protecting others.
Supporting male survivors of sexual abuse
When it comes to supporting a man who has been sexually abused, there are lots of ways you can help.
Believe them
One of the most difficult things a man who has been sexually abused can experience is not being believed about his abuse. If a man discloses being abused to you, let him know that you believe him.
Don’t make light of the abuse
It’s normal to use humor during uncomfortable situations, but doing so can be damaging to someone who’s been abused. If a man discloses being abused to you, don’t joke about it. Doing so may make him feel embarrassed for telling you about the abuse and hesitant to disclose it again in the future.
Keep it confidential
It takes lots of trust to share about being abused. If a man tells you about his abuse, respect this trust by using discretion when telling anyone else about it. As a general rule, don’t share the abuse with someone else without the survivor’s permission. However, if the survivor is a minor or is experiencing serious distress from the abuse, it’s important to seek professional help right away.
Don’t ask for details
You may be curious about what happened, but asking a man to share details about his abuse can be retraumatizing. Allow the survivor to share whatever details he feels comfortable with. If you don’t wish to hear the information he wants to share, it’s okay to ask him to pause for your own mental health.
Resources for male survivors of sexual abuse
Whether you’re a male survivor of sexual abuse or know someone who is, these resources can be helpful when it comes to healing.
Books
The book “Victims No Longer” is a guide for helping men overcome childhood sexual abuse. It’s full of great information about symptoms of sexual abuse and recommendations for healing. Just a note that it does contain graphic testimonies of male survivors who have overcome their abuse.
Additionally, Dr. Kelli Palfy is a psychologist who specializes in working with male sexual abuse survivors and is the author of the book “Men Too.” Her book sheds light on male sexual abuse by exploring the experience of 13 survivors.
Lastly, Dr. Dan Allender is a Christian therapist who specializes in working with survivors of sexual abuse. His book “The Wounded Heart” is a classic and is great for Christian men wanting to use their faith to help themselves heal.
Organizations
One of the most prominent organizations focused on helping male sexual abuse survivors is 1 in 6. Their website offers facts about male sexual abuse, encouraging survivor testimonies, and an online support community.
Male Survivor also offers a free online support community, as well as a directory for finding a professional therapist who specializes in working with male survivors.
Conclusion
Male sexual abuse is a prevalent issue that isn’t going away anytime soon. Thankfully, more and more people are becoming aware of this problem, making it easier for men to be open about and heal from their abuse.
If you’re a male survivor of sexual violence, or know someone who is, one of the best moves you can make is seeking professional help. You can contact me to schedule a free consultation to talk about working together. I specialize in helping men heal from sexual abuse using different types of trauma therapy and offer a free consultation to all new clients. I would love to help you overcome your trauma.
